Everybody. (take 2)

This is Drive-By Truckers (DBT) doing a cover of an Eddie Hinton song.



There will be more DBT soon.
For Everybody (take one) click here.

"And if the night runs over..."

Reasons I love golf (volume 1)

1. It is something I get to do with my dad, my mom, my brother, my wife, and (hopefully) my boys.

2. I get to share it with with friends, like the guy who wrote this and this guy 

3. Major Championships... like this week's US Open at Congressional, the site of this one...

4. Failure, failure, heartbreak, failure, failure, heartbreak...redemption. See number 3. or ask Harrison Frazar

5. These guys...

The kingdom's under siege!

Note: This was originally posted on May 12, 2011 but was lost in a Blogger crash.




It has been a tough few weeks in some ways inside me. There has been a lot going on in our lives, in our house, and in my heart and mind. Now, it hasn't been all bad. Quite the contrary.  There has been much laughter, much love, and there have been many wonderful moments as well. In fact, I can sit at my laptop and type with a fair amount of optimism and hope for the days and weeks ahead to be filled with more of these good things. But life won't be filled with only good things, because it never is filled with only good things. However, I am beginning to think that sometimes it is hard to tell whether things are good things or "not good things". Truly.


For instance, a few months ago, my in-laws moving in with us from Indiana so we could 1. help my mother-in-law recover from surgery and have chemotherapy for cancer, and 2. help my father-in-law continue to live with the effects of a stroke that twelve years ago left him quadriplegic and able to speak just a few words would have seemed like a "not good thing". However, now, after seeing "Grandma W" get to help my boys practice spelling words and help them do their math homework, and after seeing "Colonel" watch the boys ballgames and go hunting with Davis, our eight year old, as he shot a turkey, I am wondering if it is so cut and dried.


In fact, it seems like a life we never would have known, is happening. We have been able to see Aunt Lisa and Uncle Ed and the cousins far more in the past two months. My parents drove over a thousand miles and Holly's brother flew in from Alaska, so that Holly and I could get away for a weekend (with Ed and Lisa). And when I think of some of the emotional ground Holly and I have covered, first painfully apart and then growing together, I realized I had only dreamed we would be this close.


But I would be kidding myself (and you) if I didn't acknowledge that I have felt a fair amount of frustration and anxiety the past few weeks. The frustration has most frequently been directed at myself, and at times, at those I love (followed obviously by more frustration at myself) depending on the moment.  The anxiety is far more mysterious in its origin and its focus. They can, however, both come in waves. At times they are only a gentle lapping on the shore that I can work around or go to higher ground as they break. At other times they are big enough to wipe out the sandcastles I have built, the expressions of love I have created in the shifting sand that is our daily lives and relationships. Occasionally, for short times, the anxiety and frustration both disappear, only to leave me wondering if they are gone for good or if it is the drawback before the tsunami.


But this spring, the only waves in Lubbock are from 40 mph winds across what is left of the playa lakes. The only water here is in my simple analogy. It has been hot and dry, bone dry. It is certainly a dust land. The boys wrote "Happy Mom Day" to Holly in the dust on her car last Sunday.


Which brings me to this video and one of the songs making up the soundtrack to our lives these past few months. It is Dustland Fairytale by The Killers, and coincidentally (yeah, sure) this performance was two years ago tonight on David Letterman. I love the full orchestra, the sheer intensity of Ronnie Vannucci as he attacks the drums, and the way that the emotion hits Brandon Flowers so hard he has to get up on his toes to follow his voice as he sings of the kingdom. This song obviously means something, to him. Watch this...


There are a few lines in this song that moved me the first time I heard it.

"Change came in disguise of revelation, set his soul on fire
She says she always knew he'd come around
And the decades disappear like sinking ships
But we persevere, God gives us hope
But we still fear what we don't know. 

The mind is poison."

I thought this was describing my journey these past few years with the "soul on fire" stuff much of what I associated with being "tied to a rocket". A few weeks ago we were driving down Broadway's brick street to church. Holly confessed, while we discussed the changes we were facing, that the "unknown" was what she "feared the most". I played this song for her as we finished the drive to church, and by the time we got there, we didn't really even need to go in.

"Now Cinderella, don't you go to sleep

It's such a bitter form of refuge
Why don't you know, the kingdom's under siege
And everybody needs you"

Until recently, as I had listened to this, I had, in my mind played the part of Cinderella. The challenge was and is for me to not "go to sleep", but to stay "wide awake" as my friends, Bono and Matt, say. I think part of me "goes to sleep" when I begin to see myself, my circumstances, and eventually a bit of everything as "not good". I can see almost everything with a critical mind, but this kind of critical thinking is dark. This kind of sleep is certainly a "bitter form of refuge". I know the "valley of the great divide". I can spend a fair amount of time there, and when I let myself, my heart and mind go to this place:

"Out where the dreams all hide

Out where the wind don't blow
Out here, the good girls die
And the sky won't snow
Out here, the bird don't sing
Out here, the field don't grow
Out here, the bell don't ring
Out here, the bell don't ring

Out here, the good girls die"


A couple of guys I listen to (Ryon and Shane) both said this week that this is seeing the illusion of life instead of seeing its reality. Sometimes for me it seems just the opposite! They suggest that being "Dis-illusioned" is what allows us to be "wide-awake". As I understand them, this "seeing" lets me realize I am loved far more than I could ever realize. It let's me know that in my moments of anxiety and gusts of destruction fueled by frustration, I am carried even then. It suggests to me that maybe this frustration and anxiety inside is as much a part of the siege against the kingdom as those things that begin to get us down in the first place, and that the response of the kingdom to all of it, to every bit of it, is simply love. I can hold on to this, or be held onto by this, for a good long while.


And then the news hits again, this time that one of my best friend's wife has breast cancer. Though the fear and pain are palpable, I witness and participate in an onslaught of love, support, and presence in the midst of this pain. I haven't seen this much love and support since... well, since Holly's folks moved in with us, only eight weeks ago.We were bombarded with love from near and far. We still are. And now, we give back.


One source described the song Dustland Fairytale as the story of Brandon Flowers' parents. He wrote this song about their life and, specifically, the way he saw his mom's fight against (coincidentally) her cancer. His mom is Cinderella leaving the party to put on a nightgown, and he begs her not to go to sleep, not to give in to the siege of the kingdom, pleading "everybody needs you".


Clearly the kingdom is under siege. And love is its only defense. The siege may be both the sleep of death and the sleep of seeing the illusions of this life instead of seeing the gift of the reality of today, and the love that it offers. They both seem like to death to me. And at times I struggle to believe that there is a life beyond either one. Tonight, I pray that these beautiful women, Nancy and Amy, and their loved one's, myself included, can stay wide awake.


I am going to stay awake long enough to watch this video one more time tonight. On second thought, tonight, if I'm carried, maybe I won't go to sleep at all.

Too Much For Me Alone To Keep

We pulled out on 65
To Birmingham on a Tuesday night
With your broken leg and favorite song
'Julie, Julie' we sang along

And our tired eyes pulled up the drive
Could hear the phone ring on the other side
Of your front door that your hands made
She was so surprised we came

And we talked about babies names
Halloween in the pouring rain
I fell asleep on the couch
Through the walls you kissed a mouth
And I know what it's like

Because everyone that I know
Every place that I go
Every story that I'm told
Its love
Its love
It's love that we're looking for

There's an outcry in the streets
Where the outcasts walk the beats
And all the widows and black sheep lay their souls down low to sleep
And I can hardly find the means
For all the words I mean to speak
But still this fire inside of me
Seems too much for me alone to keep
But now the writing's on the wall
Forgotten Krylon cans
Will you send a prayer for me?
Will you help me to stand?
Because I know what it's like

Because everyone that I know
Every place that I go
Every story that I'm told
Its love
Its love
It's love that we're looking for

Da da da da da da da da'

-Mat Kearney

A little Grace for today...

Grace, she takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace, it's the name for a girl
It's also a thought that changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma
She travels outside of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear her strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because Grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things

David Bazan

I occasionally complain about the fact that many musical artists don't come to Lubbock to perform. A few months ago we were lucky enough to see David Bazan perform at a local establishment. He has a great voice, and I really like his songwriting. Watching his performance with friends was a lot of fun, and it gave me a chance to get some practice (which I need) with low light photography.

 It is customary for him to come out with his band and take off into a string of songs. After a few songs, he will stop and say, "Are there any questions from the audience to this point in the show?" After fielding questions from "How long have you played that guitar?", or "How does it feel to be listed in the top 50 songwriters of all time?", to "Where do you find yourself with regards to your faith today?" He will dive back in to a string of songs. They  then play for ten to fifteen minutes only to stop and ask for questions again. They repeat this throughout the show, and it is really cool to see him interact with the audience this way.

Much has been written about his lyrics that openly and honestly show his doubts, questions, and struggles with life, religion, faith, and relationships. I am sure that I am a fan because of some of this openness (I have some of the same struggles, as well). However, that night I was equally impressed by his talent, his energy, his obvious love of performing, and his voice.


He is touring right now with Jimmy Eat World, but also will be playing a Living Room Tour around the country this year. The locations and dates are listed on davidbazan.com.

Here is Please, Baby, Please.